Still Not Working

Don't tell that their ain't no Limbo.Don't try and convince me that their isn't any purgatory.I'm in it.There is no tomorrow.I have no past.All there is is today after fuckin' today.

I know I should have another job by now.But I just can't see me working another back breaking,mind numbing dead end job for dollars less then what I was making before.

Maybe I don't give a shit.Maybe I am patiently waiting for the right job to be coming along.Maybe I am dreading willingly giving up the last vestiges of my dream.Maybe,I am numb with it and I feel like the bow of a ship sticking up just before it sinks.

I can't tell if I am calm or just without hope.I always wanted to be a writer,and now,I thought this would be my last great chance at being one...and I just don't see it happening.

But,honestly,it doesn't feel quite like that.It feels like I should be waiting.Every ounce of my being seems to be whispering ..."Wait.Just wait."How do I explain to my ever increasing to panic wife-to wait-just wait.

I feel God's hand in this,more stronger then I have ever felt him before.It's like a calm before the storm.Like the energy levels are raising to usable levels.That the bathtub is filling up.

In the back of my mind,I see the tub over flowing,water splashing on the floor.And in there,I feel panic.

I get the nagging feeling this is going to go on until I can't take it anymore.Then I am going to explode-take a job I should have taken two months ago.

I had dreams for this time off.Finish my story.Clean the basement.Clean the garage.Paint the garage.Re-do the bathroom.None of this is happening.

I keep hearing this voice in my head singing them crazy Kiss lyrics,"I'm stupid and I'm lazy....if they only knew."

So what are my options?Take a low paying job,work my ass off and probably never see the family much,and never get the kids to college anyway?Or,wait[notice:I didn't put ACTION in there anywhere].

Lord.I have always followed you-so may your will be done-I am going to go with you.