O-K,I am on my umpteeth day of unemployment plus one.I have been doing all of the required stuff-reapplying each week,looking for work,sending in resumes,working somewhat around the house.
Still,there doesn't seem to be enough time during the day.Computering it,Bible,journal,laundry,dishes,Regis and Kelly,hike with the dog,read,sometimes write,go to the store,sometimes fix supper,or mow the lawn,or fix something-like the plumbing for the kitchen sink,watch some tube,waste some time,go to the boy's baseball game...At the end of the day I am wore out and I haven't even accomplished anything.
The saddest part about the whole damn thing is that I really am enjoying it.I am a waste on the family;I can see how the boys are losing respect for me[ I've known for a long time my wife already has],but I just don't care.
I just can't see me working another physical mindless job only to be laid off again in a couple of years.My body can't take it any more-my brain is yelling,"Stop it,you fool!"
I am a very slow learner-a very slow learner.It takes me forever to catch on to new things.It sucks.I mean,once I figure things out I am adequate..I can get the job done.But until then,I suck at new work.
Maybe I am scared I just don't want to see the last bit of my dreams dissolve away.Maybe I just don't see that better job out there and I am just satisfied to collect unemployment until I can find a job that pays better then it does.
I have always been stupid and lazy.A day late and a nickel short.
I have been haunted by my past,where I have never been good enough.I have always failed.
Only God has made it possible for me to have gotten this far.Only his miracles have pulled my ass out of the wringer,and has giving me all the good stuff that I do have:my wife and kids,our meager possession's.None of these I have ever really worked for-they have just seemed to fall in my lap.Yes,I have been wise enough to accept these blessing.And I do-believe me I do-thank God for them.It's just everything I have tried to save,tried to fix,tried to make better,have ultimately failed.I feel guilty always leaving everything to God.
Don't get me wrong,I love what God has done for me.I am thankful for Robyn.I couldn't ask for a better,more loving wife.I love my boys.They are great kids.God,I honestly thank you.
I just want to give back.But,I don't know how.I am not good at anything.I want to use the talents you have given me instead of my backbone.I want to shine in your glory.I don't want to live in your shadow.I want to be your shining light.
Forgive me Lord for my vanity.Because,I see now,that is what this is.Instead of accepting being one of your vessels,I want more.I want to be a pagan rich man adored by my constant flock.Forgive me.Give me the strength to accept your grace and mercy.To accept the gift I know in my heart is coming-in fact,has probably already come.Don't let me turn it down because it may not be exactly the way I want it.Please let me be more thankful then that.Amem
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