The Jacob Story-or-The Stairway To Heaven-or-Hip To Be Square

Jacob would become Israel.This is his story.

Issac,Jake's pop,sent Jacob to go visit Jacob's uncle,on his mother's side,Uncle Laban.On his way to Laban's,Jacob stopped at a place called Haran to sleep for the night.Using a rock as his pillow,he had a dream.In this dream,he saw the 'The Stairway To Heaven. DuDE!.{While traditionally,this has been know as 'Jacob's ladder',the more accurate translation is 'stairway'.}God told Jake that this land is your land.Jacob called the place,Bethel...or Bethlehem,and went on his merry way.

When the Jake-man finally got to unk's,Jacob immediately fell in love with his first cousin,Rachael.Jake said,"Hey,old man,what ya' say that you let me marry your babe daughter,Rach,I'll work seven years for ya'?Good deal,huh,old,man?"

Laban said,"Righteous."

However,thanks to there being no electricity and it being very dark,the Jakester woke up in his wedding tent,not with his beautiful bride,the Rach-babe,but with her older sister,Leah.Now,though,Leah had pretty eyes,she wasn't Jacob's beloved.So,Jake went to his uncle Laban and said,"DuDE!?!"

Uncle replied,"'Tis truely bogus,bro,but the man says that the OLDEST daughter has to get hitched first.Hey man,how many righteous DuDES like yourself gets to marry not one but two of his first cousins?Work seven more years for me and I'll let ya have Rachael,too.What ya say,Bro?"

This put Jacob over a barrel,"DuDE!"

So,Jacob worked 14 years for Pop-in-law,but they seemed like days because he loved Rachael....

....and he got busy.Leah was popping out babies by the score,but since Rachael wasn't,she had Jake get busy with her maid.Leah had her made maid join the party,too.DuDE! What a par-tee!

Soon,God blessed Rachael,and Jacob knew it was time to go home.He said to his father-in-law,"I'm going home,man."

Laban replied,"Don't you want paid?God's good to you.I should pay you something."

"Well,DuDE,since you ask,I'll take your spotted sheeps.There ain't too many of those."

"Deal,"But,uncle Laban then took all of his spotted sheep and gave them to his son's.That was un-cool.

This did not stop Jacob.To quote for the good book itself:

But Jacob got fresh branches from poplar, almond, and plane trees and peeled the bark, leaving white stripes on them. He stuck the peeled branches in front of the watering troughs where the flocks came to drink. When the flocks were in heat, they came to drink and mated in front of the streaked branches. Then they gave birth to young that were streaked or spotted or speckled. Jacob placed the ewes before the dark-colored animals of Laban. That way he got distinctive flocks for himself which he didn't mix with Laban's flocks. And when the sturdier animals were mating, Jacob placed branches at the troughs in view of the animals so that they mated in front of the branches. But he wouldn't set up the branches before the feebler animals. That way the feeble animals went to Laban and the sturdy ones to Jacob.

Soon,Jacob said,"Enough of this,I am outta here."and he booked.

Ol' man,Laban didn't like losing his daughters and his hired hand so he went chasing after him.Rachael,unknown to Jacob,stole her dad's idols.Laban used the missing idols as an excuse to chase The Jake.When he caught up with Jacob,Laban said"Hey,man,leaving without saying goodbye was nasty,but did you have to take my idols.too?"

This outraged Jacob,"DuDE!If anyone in my party has your idols,I'll kill 'em myself."

Rachael,who was sitting on a pillow hiding to idols gulped and thought real fast,"Aah...I'm on my period,I'm not getting up."

"WoW!Bummer,man.I could have swore you took them.My bad."

"This is bogus,DuDE.Unrightous.Hey,I got an idea.Let's get stoned...make peace not war."

And so they did.

Jacob was heading for home.He had totally forgotten about Esau,"DuDE!"

So Jake-Up started sending Esau mucho presents and as he got closer he divided his party into two camps,sending the women and children up ahead in front of him.

That night,Jacob ran into a man of God and wrestled with him all night long.Jake said to the angel,"Say uncle,"and Jacob wouldn't let go.Finally,at the break of dawn,the angel struck Jacob's hip,but still Jake would not let him go,"Bless me,first,"he said.

The angel said,"OK,Things will be cool with Esau.And from now on you will no longer be called Jacob.From now on you will be known as 'The God Wrestler'.We can shorten that to Israel.

The angel was as good as his word.Jake was now Israel...

...and as for Esau....He was cool.He turned out to be one rightous DuDE.